Koans of a Retired Zen Master   Leave a comment

       We live in a world that is fast, irrational and centered on survival. There is no time to stop and to contemplate the meaning of life. Before we know life has passed us by and left us with a few memories of better times. How often do we enjoy the luxury of joy and laughter. “Koans by a Retired Zen Master”  may remind us of our own confusion, illusion and ambivalence. When we laugh we can move away from our conditioning and boredom. It is said somewhere that laughing is the closest to Enlightenment. If that is true we never want to stop laughing as we can laugh all the way to Enlightenment and beyond.

You can now discover and enjoy the power of funny koans by following a Retired Zen Master. He doesn’t have a name as he likes to stay anonymous but he may live in your backyard or your beach house, you never know where you will come across him.

v     Straight talk by a retired Zen master

v     Zen koans you didn’t know existed

v     No more hidden Zen secrets and meanings

v     Laugh with the master

v     Zen will never be the same

v     Your life is already a koan

A humorous and hilarious exploration of anti-traditional Zen koans, but not limited to it.

You unexpectedly find yourself in an upside-down position where ordinary concepts of the world of Zen no longer apply. Funny, satirical, cynical, captivating, always inspiring and not to be taken too seriously. You need an open mind to step into the obscure world of a retired Zen Master. There are no secrets, no hidden Zen meanings, no puzzles, no “talking around the bush” but only straightforward truthful dialogues between a Zen Master and his students/devotees. Nothing learnt in Zen before has prepared you for this unique Zen journey. If you have a good sense of humor or like to start one, this book is the perfect travel companion as each koan can lighten or deepen your time in a crowded airport or lead to abrupt laughter in the middle of a bathroom visit.

Where can you purchase  “When The Zen Dust Settles – Zen Koans of a retired Zen Master”?  

Simply go to:



http://www.smashwords.com (E-book)

http://www.xinxii.com (E-book)

Look for author name Rainer Loveiam – you will find 2 titles – and order. It is that easy.

Below you will find a few excerpts from “When The Zen Dust Settles”.


The student asked the Zen Master:

“What shall I do when I am old

And still not enlightened?”

The Zen Master replied:

“Jump for joy”

The composer asked the Zen Master:

“I would like to write a Zen song

But I don’t know where to begin”

The Zen Master replied:

“I meditate all day long

But I never know where to begin”

President Obama’s wife asked the Zen Master:

“Since my husband became President

He has changed

I don’t know what to do about it”

The Zen Master replied:

“If I were you

I would become a nun

And pray all day for my husband

Until he wakes up from his dream

From wanting to be someone else”

The owl asked the Zen Master:

“I hunt in the night

And I sleep in the day

How does that help me to get enlightened?”

The Zen Master replied:

“It sure has helped me”

The Zen Master asked Spiderman:

“With all the things you do every day

You must be enlightened?”

Spiderman replied:

“I am not Superman”

The Angel asked the Zen Master:

“What will happen to me

When I am retired from being an Angel?”

“That is a good question

We all have to think about retirement

Who will give us food stamps?”

The cable man asked the Zen Master:

“I only watch Zen movies

They are so relaxing”

The Zen Master replied:

“I only watch murder mysteries

Since my wife left me unexpectedly”

The auto mechanic asked the Zen Master:

“I can fix anything that has more than 2 wheels

What will Enlightenment do for me?”

The Zen Master replied:

“It depends on how many more lives

You want to get your hands dirty”

The student asked the Zen Master:

“I don’t know

Why you never use the toilet ”

The Zen Master replied:

“I don’t use the toilet anymore

You are welcome to digest my food”

You can contact Rainer Loveiam at loveiambooks@yahoo.com

Visit Rainer’s blogwww.loveiambooks.wordpress.com for more information on Loveiam Books



Posted September 27, 2011 by Loveiam Books in Uncategorized